About Me: Part Three - Laughter through Tears
“First of all, DON’T PANIC!” races through my mind. Then, quickly following is the pure, soul-crushing heartbreak when the truth sinks in. It takes
over like an illness in my gut. These feelings of trauma and overwhelming sadness that I have been all too familiar with lately. Dread creeps in like
a frigid wind through the window left open too long.
My boss/mentor sits silently in the background of the call while the HR rep reads her “It’s not you, it’s me” script, which she is legally required to
read to me. Something about my legal obligations and severance package…I don’t know, I can’t hear. I am being let go from the company I’ve
given 15 years to via a phone call. This is unbelievable. Am I having a nightmare? Should I pinch myself? What the hell is happening?
“Don’t cry, dammit!” was my next thought, which I followed quickly by, “Thank the Lord my webcam is not on!” I will be the consummate
professional, the ultimate ice queen. I am stronger than I know, and now is the time to prove it!
The HR rep continues rigidly reading from her script. They are calling it a “RIF,” or “Reduction in Force,” caused by the Pandemic. (Thanks a lot,
COVID!) The blood pulsing in my ears drowns out everything else, and I struggle to pay attention. Her words continued to tumble out as she
instructed me on how to give back my security credentials and laptop.
Out of desperation, I raise my face to the ceiling to keep my nose from running, and I refuse to allow my boss and this stupid HR rep to hear even a
sniff out of me.
“Calm down. Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out”, I tell myself. Although I’m still not listening, I am purely focused on hiding my tears
from them.
“Is my boss still on the phone? Did he hang up? Should I say something to him? What the hell would I even say?!”
I wouldn’t even be able to speak anyway. Thoughts of extreme sadness and despair race through my head while I attempt to process the news.
Waves of nausea sweep over me as I realize this is reality.
A girl can only take so much; I am already tipping over the edge of sanity. At the time of this memorable conference call, I had recently separated
from my husband and was on my way to divorce.
PS- You can read that story in the “About Me – Part Two.” section of my website.
After learning of my impending divorce, I discovered that I had to figure out how to manage our brand-new “forever home,” its mortgage, my
preteen daughter to raise, and how to teach her from home, alone. Now, I’m adding to the list: finding a new job to pay for the aforementioned
“forever home” and teenage daughter…yes, I’m still on my own.
Let’s say things have not been going well for me. Fan-freaking-tastic.
This, dear reader, felt at rock bottom. However, we should all save judgment. I’m not done yet…unfortunately.
(This is an example of foreshadowing; cue scary music)
I believe that Dolly Parton, as Truvy Jones, who was a wise and sassy hairdresser in the classic movie, “Steel Magnolias,” said it best: “Laughter
through tears is my favorite emotion.”
The biggest lesson I have learned in my lifetime was to find some light in every darkness. I’ve decided to find the humor and light in my story, no matter how dire it seems to get.
Please understand that there is NOTHING funny about job loss, divorce, and all the horrible things that follow. I am simply choosing to find the
light and love in my story rather than dwell on the past, its sadness, hurt, and anger.
None of this is easy. Anyone who’s gone through even one of these events is a warrior, even when they don’t feel like it. Simply
because you survived, and you’re still here! I mean, come on! If you’re reading this, you’re clearly taking steps to heal and are
better BECAUSE of the shit you’ve gone through!
I beg of you, show yourself a little grace, please…if not for yourselves, do it for me!
You! Yes, you and only you are the reason I am sharing my excruciatingly humbling and mortifying story in excruciating detail. I hope you learn
from my mistakes and know you are never alone. At least you can say, if nothing else, you got a good chuckle from my antics!
With all the ridiculousness in my life, it wasn’t hard to determine that there was clearly a lesson I needed to learn as I was going through the shit.
I genuinely believe that when terrible things happen, there is always something to be discovered that provides us with an opportunity for growth.
Figuring out what that lesson will help you heal, particularly when things happen over and over and over…
To learn how to grow when you go through the shit, check out the posts on my blog.